“I hate the internal wounds, the words that said I was worthless and unwanted, the teasing, the ridicule that echoed in my ears and shattered my insides into dust. If given the choice, I'd have picked a beating over being shamed.” - Antwone Quenton Fisher, Finding Fish
Shame is a difficult thing to talk about. Renowned researcher Brené Brown has spent years studying shame, vulnerability, and imperfection. In her latest book, Atlas of the Heart, she groups together several emotions in a chapter called “Places We Go When We Fall Short.” In this chapter, she talks about shame, perfectionism, and guilt.
First, let’s establish the difference between guilt and shame:
Shame says, "I am bad," whereas guilt says "I did something bad."
Shame is a focus on the self, whereas guilt is a focus on behavior.
Origins of Shame
Shame can have different origins depending on the person. Here are some examples:
Maybe it was growing up, you hid the fact that your parents abused drugs or used alcohol or that a parent had an affair.
Maybe you have been in a relationship with a friend or a partner who shames you, who makes you feel like you will never be enough.
Maybe you had a teacher or a coach who made you feel like you could never get it right.
Maybe you've worked for that boss who doesn't shy away from calling you an idiot in front of the entire team.
Maybe you’ve been the victim of abuse and you’ve learned to hide it incredibly well.
Maybe you've been part of a church or other religious group and you have walked away from those gatherings or interactions with individuals and you felt worthless instead of loved.
All of these spaces can be places for shame to take root.
So why is shame so toxic?
Toxic shame is a deeply rooted, intense and pervasive feeling of shame and worthlessness that goes beyond normal feelings of guilt or remorse. It is a chronic and debilitating sense of inadequacy, self-hatred, and self-blame that is often internalized from childhood experiences of neglect, abuse, or trauma.
2 facts about shame
1. We are afraid to talk about it.
Talking about shame requires a great deal of vulnerability. Instead of getting vulnerable, we live in thes intense, painful feeling and thoughts that say believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.
2. If we don't talk about it, shame can start to control us and the stories that we tell ourselves.
Shame can cause social isolation, which prevents a person from seeking out support.. It shatters self-confidence and self-acceptance. We medicate our pain inside our heart with all sorts of false substitutes: Food, shopping, social media, gaming, gambling, drugs, alcohol, and pornography. Dr. John Bradshaw talks about how deeply shame is internalized. It often starts in early childhood and is fostered by those that care the most closely for children. It’s often multigenerational as well, meaning a parental figure parented from a space of shame and each subsequent generation learns to do the same, until someone decides to break the chain.
Impact on Mental Health
Toxic shame is irrational, exaggerated, and destructive, and can lead to a wide range of psychological and emotional problems, including anxiety, depression, addiction, and interpersonal difficulties.
Brené Brown defines shame as “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” She believes that shame gets its power because it is unspeakable. We avoid it and ignore it….however that really just encourages negative thinking and behaviors.
An individual who struggles with toxic shame may look like one of these:
Avoids Vulnerability: This could look like keeping relationships at surface level, not staying in relationships long, job hopping, and lack of personal identity. They may self-sabotage.
Unstable Relationships: Toxic shame can impact a person's ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. Individuals may fear rejection or abandonment, leading to avoidant or dependent behaviors. Alternatively, they may act out in ways that are harmful to others, such as aggression or manipulation.
Emotionally Unstable: They may struggle with anxiety, depression or other mental health disorders. They may try to hide emotions or be very self-deprecating.
Addiction: There is little respect for health because there is little respect for self.
Easily Triggered: May become upset by anything that echoes previous experiences in which shame is rooted.
How to Heal
Brené Brown outlines four elements for shame resilience.
Recognize shame and understand its triggers. I tell people all the time they need to become expert notices of themselves. It's much easier to notice everyone else around us but looking inward takes some practice. Becoming more self aware requires the ability to take a pause. In that pause, do a scan of your mind and your body. What are you feeling in your body and what are you thinking. Figuring out what has triggered you, can also release the grip of shame in your brain.
Practice critical awareness. Reality check the messages you are receiving from others but also the messages you are giving yourself. Are they true? If someone is setting an expectation of you, or if you are setting an expectation for yourself, is it realistic? Is something you can attain?
Reach out to others. Are you sharing your story? Are you expressing your concerns and needs to those that love you? You cannot receive empathy, which is the antidote to shame, if we are not in relationship and community with others.
Talk about it. Do not stay silent. When you stay silent about that which brings on the feeling of shame, you are feeding and fueling the shame.
Wrap Up
Finally, there is one other way to heal from shame that I have to highlight:
Self-compassion.
Self-compassion helps you move through shame and towards healing. It is extending to yourself the same empathy as that which you would extend to your best friend. So, be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
To wrap it up, I encourage you to get to know yourself, become more aware, reach out and find a community that supports you and increases your sense of belonging. Talk about the things that leave you feeling stuck.
These steps are your exit strategy from shame.
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